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Five Idiot-Proof Bachelor Party Cocktails

During a bachelor party, no one can be trusted with complex cocktails.  There will come a time in the night when everyone, even the most confident amateur mixologist, is reduced by double vision and animal thirst to the level of “grab and guzzle.” So out with the delicate garnishes and foreign-language liqueurs, precise measurements and multiple steps. Out with the confident amateur mixologist, for that matter (and take your sleeve garter with you!).  Here are five deliciously forgiving cocktails that all the guys can, and should, mix for themselves.


Pre: Watermelon Margarita

The whirring blender has a Pavlovian effect on arriving groomsmen. Since this one’s first and you’re ostensibly still sober, it requires the most advanced planning – don’t worry, most monkeys could manage it. A couple days before, hack up at least two seedless watermelons and stuff the pieces in the freezer until they’re frozen solid. Throw them in the blender with a few squirts of lime and a good long guzzle of tequila. Fire up blender and serve in beer mugs to butch it up, if that kind of thing worries you. Keep the tequila handy for individual doctoring.


Go-To: Vodka Martini

You’ll be drinking this all night, so keep it simple.  Freezing cold top-shelf vodka, in a glass, a Styrofoam cup, or straight from the bottle.  However you pour it, it’s still a martini. Skip the dry vermouth (see ban on foreign-language liqueur), plop in an olive, a chunk of gas station pickle, or nothing at all.  Keeping the vodka cold becomes less important as the night rolls on.


Late-Night: Bourbon and Water

It’s time to get serious about hydration.  Plus certain dark liquors, like Bookers’ bourbon, actually become more flavorful and less stinging once you add a splash of cold water and an ice-cube. Not that you’ll notice. Also, water stretches out the booze, which should get you to sun-up.


Morning After: Bloody Mary

Yes, a Tequila Sunrise is easier, but “science shows” that it’s bad for the hungover stomach.  Plus, a Bloody Mary offers meal-level nourishment.  Pour V8 and remainder of last night’s vodka in a pitcher, add any/all of the following: Tabasco, Worscestershire sauce, horseradish (the straight stuff, not the mayo-based sauce), black pepper.  Then pour in glasses pre-stuffed with ice and salad: olives, celery, sliced cucumber, tomolive, pickled okra, and the rest of that gas station pickle.


Afternoon After: Michelada

Yes, it’s foreign-sounding, but it’s also beer-based, you can use the Bloody Mary ingredients still sitting out, and you’re less drunk. Other than burying yourselves in shallow graves, this is the best way to give your bachelor party that “south of the border” finale. To a big mug of beer (rim salted if you’re up for it), add a little lime, salt, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, even V8 if there’s any left over. Proportion to taste.  Chug and repeat. 


Cheers,
Will

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