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The Morning After: Breakfast of Bachelors

One thing’s a given: after a successful bachelor party, nobody’s rolling out of bed before the double digits.  But beyond that, every guy’s wake-up time will be different. The gym rat, jogging off the hangover. A couple hours later, the rest of us. The floor-snorer we laugh at until mid-afternoon. And finally, the ravers who straggle in around dusk – turns out they never slept at all!

And therein lies the challenge of the bachelor party “morning”-after meal: everybody will get hungry, but on their own stomach’s own schedule. As it should be. Last night’s dinner was the one big occasion for synchronized eating. But after a night of unprecedented debauchery, any kind of organized out-in-public reservation brunch, that’s just cruel and unusual punishment.

Instead, a successful Breakfast of Bachelors embraces the at-home D.I.Y. Stuff that can sit on a counter or in a mini-fridge for hours on end.  Stuff guys can throw together, whenever they stumble into the kitchen/kitchenette/designated food tent. Boxers breakfast, fully customizable. It helps if you can announce with a straight face that what you’re serving is “scientifically proven to reduce hangovers.” But what matters most is that, even as they’re shoveling it in like zombies, something in their dehydrated brains comes alive and grunts: “This tastes good. Maybe I am human again?”

Big points for ambition if you can pull off the “bar,” as in omelet or burrito. Two dozen lightly scrambled eggs with some glugs of whole milk, in a big bowl. Heaps of meat (buy cooked or cook yourself):  thick-sliced smoked bacon, andouille sausage, steak. Mountains of cheese, all sorts. The random vegetable/legume (peppers, tomato, spinach, chives, avocado, beans). Condiments and tortillas, as many pans as you can find, and pounds of butter.

Lazier? Sling out two tubs of creamy, fishy, caloric whitefish salad (a delicacy every East Coast bachelor must be acquainted with), cream cheese, a dozen bagels or bialys, a bread-knife and a toaster.  If you’re headed someplace remote, any kind of bread will do, and you can preorder whitefish salad.

For hangover-helping sweets: a frozen waffle bar with bananas and kiwis (proven hangover-helpers). Or a smoothie bar, with fruits and protein powder. Or earn scorn and pile the counter up with protein bars.

Bachelor Breakfast beverages range from the non-alcoholic electrolyte-replenishing sports drink to the boozy classics: mimosa or Bloody Mary. And one final take on the “bar” theme will be most appreciated by the boys: the pain-relief bar, replete with ibrupofen and alka-seltzer.

Cheers,
Will

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